on the supreme court

• " If I were arguing today I'd be scared of these people. Of course I'll probably never get to argue a case before the court because, increasingly, the same eight appellate lawyers argue every single case. They are like the Supreme Court's own Harlem Globetrotters." (in re: the fall 2002 asbestos-plaintiffs case, 11/6/02)
  

• "Scalia's greatest gift as a jurist is his ability to almost persuade anyone who differs with him on any issue, that it's merely due to the fact they are colossal and irredeemable morons." (in re: the Supreme Court case about the execution of those who are mentally retarded, 6/20/2002)
  

• "The nine justices, accustomed as they are to the dark, Italian-restaurant mood lighting of their little cave opposite the Capitol, blink funny troglodyte eyes out at the crowd, trying not to look like french fries under the heat lamps at Burger King." (in re: when the Supremes were relocated to the E. Barrett Prettyman Federal Courthouse because of the anthrax scare)
  

• "This virtuous, self-denying paragon of judicial restraint has gorged and stuffed itself on constitutional cheesecake, somehow all the while insisting that it's on a diet." and also "Like a big, crazy Pac- Man, the Rehnquist Court is munching its way across the national stage, downing strawberries and oranges and the Chevron test (the standard by which the Supreme Court used to defer to agencies attempting to interpret their own rules), and no one knows how to begin to pull the plug." (in re: the 2000-2001 Supreme Court term)
  

• "And because a day without a federal constitutional free speech lawsuit is evidently like a day without sunshine in Tennessee, the case ended up in federal district court in a squabble over Brentwood's right to 'speak' to potential ninth-graders." (in re: Brentwood Academy v. TSSAA)
  

• "In one, Rice vs. Cayetano, the court invalidated a Hawaiian voting scheme with the very principled determination that native Hawaiians--unlike Native Americans--don't deserve special protection. Don't miss the heartbreaking last paragraph: 'When the culture and way of life of a people are all but engulfed by a history beyond their control, their sense of loss may extend down through generations.' (And here I paraphrase:) 'Oh well. It sucks to be them.'" (in re: Rice v. Cayetano)
  

• "At the far right sits Justice Breyer, bearing a startling resemblance to The Simpsons' Montgomery Burns. The best analogue for what goes on with Breyer's constantly moving hands would need to be 'vogueing.' A la Madonna. Circa 1985. Breyer alternately covers his forehead with his hand, cups his chin with his hand, or clutches his head with his hand. Sometimes he does this all at once." (in re: Justice Breyer)
  

• "Oral argument at the Supreme Court is like a game of dodge ball. Except that each of the nine justices has his or her own red rubber ball; they are all allowed to peg them at once; and counsel is the only guy in the circle--there are no big, dumb, fearless kids to hide behind." (in re: Board of Regents v. Southworth)
  

on being a law clerk

• "Which gets us to Page 60 of this 125-page document. Where the court makes use of the word 'edentulous.' Writing as a former law clerk, I confess that the word 'edentulous' probably means a law clerk somewhere on the D.C. Circuit is getting a lot of free pizza and beer tonight. The game is Opinion Bingo. Points are earned for working a randomly selected word from Webster's into any published opinion. Here I must also add that such words never have made it past my judge's ruthless editing. Edentulous. Please."(in re: the DC Circuit Microsoft opinion) (this, by the way, cause many a giggle in our chambers, not a DC Circuit chambers)
  

on being a law student

• "Just use this old law student's trick and hold your nose and assume for constitutional analysis purposes that Drayton and Brown aren't felons but are the sort of bumbling, cuddly drug dealers (like Cheech and Chong) who somehow deserve to be freed on what is, of course, a legal technicality." (in re: United States v. Drayton)
  

• "Hypothetical questions have driven more than one law student to therapy and beyond (job at Starbucks). Just when you think law school is beginning to make sense, a Property professor will peer down the bridge of his pointy nose at you and--utilizing your last name only--ask that you analyze the Rule Against Perpetuities, except, he will add, 'imagine the deceased was a duck.'" (in re: hypotheticals)
  

on lawyers

• "Ted Olson is also in costume today. He's dressed as Seth Waxman, Clinton's solicitor general." (in re: Adarand Constructors v. Mineta)
  

• "Timothy B. Dyk (pronounced 'dike'), arguing on behalf of NFTC, looks remarkably like Justice Kennedy. Then again, most lawyers (and all federal law clerks) look remarkably like Justice Kennedy. And I am told that Justice Kennedy was once confused with Ken Starr on an airplane. It's starting to look like John Malkovich's head in here." (in re: Natsios v. National Foreign Trade Council) (note: Hey! I was there watching this case!)
  

• "United States vs. Microsoft is a Man's Trial. I don't just mean a Man's Trial, but rather, a Man's Man's Trial. This is a trial manned by Men Who Flip to the Boxscores, Men Who Do Not Giftwrap, Men Who Wear Suspenders. This is a trial of men who work their jaws manfully, the way they did it in the 1940s. This morning the docket sheet lists seven attorneys, none of them women, although there has been a woman at the Microsoft table this week." (in re: the Microsoft trial)
  

• "I realized suddenly that I was sitting smack in that scary central place in the Venn diagram where the circles of lawyers, computer nerds, and writers overlap." (in re: the Microsoft trial)
  

misc

• "The key to comprehending this Clash of the Constitutional Titans is to imagine the 11th Amendment as the Loch Ness Monster and the 14th Amendment as the Abominable Snowman." (in re: Nevada Department of Human Resources v. Hibbs, 1/15/03)
  

• "Look, gun freaks that lurk in my 'Fray' and rant maniacally when I say there's no personal Second Amendment right to bear arms, I have no expectation of changing your minds here, so why don't you skip the whole column and tune into next week's? I'll even provide you with a handy target to take along to your gun club for practice instead." (in re: United States v. Bean, 10/16/2002) (and she even provides a picture of a target!)
  

• "If everyone would just say what they mean, the world would be a lot less stupid." (in re: Miller-El v. Cockrell, 10/16/2002)
  

• "I think men get nervous when women start counting the number of female senators, and whites become edgy when they hear the next Supreme Court seat will probably go to a Latino. This isn't always because they object to sharing the spoils, by the way; it just reminds us that the melting pot may not be working, and we haven't yet achieved the ambiguous national dream of becoming a nation of indistinguishable beige atheists." (in re: "The American Dream of Homogenization", 6/25/02)
  

• "The best course seems to do what they do here: Crank up the 'f--k it' and live your life." (in re: living in Israel)
  

• "Israelis treat their justices like celebrity cattle. We treat ours like the Dead Sea Scrolls. The courtrooms here are all so welcoming toward visitors, spectators, and reporters, that it was difficult for me to find a column in the press section with which to obscure my view. Luckily, we tracked one down, and I was able to approximate my dispatching conditions from back home." (in re: the Israeli Supreme Court)
  

• "I have a crush. On a man I would not be able to identify, even if he were selling aquarium filters door-to-door. Which he wouldn't be, by the way. Because he's wonderful." (in re: NPR crushes)
  

• "Canada? Not sexy? Are you out of your mind, man? Canada wrote the book on sexy. Canada was sexy before sex was even invented!" (in re: Canada)
  

• "Have you ever seen a constipated cat? All straining and shaking and sweating? That's how I've come to imagine this president working through a tough problem." (in re: George W. Bush thinking about stem cell research)
  

• "Posner is the high prophet of 'law and economics,' a school of thought that derives legal principles from economic analysis, typically pointing at some established legal doctrine and declaring it nonsense." (in re: Richard Posner)
  

• "A Dahlia Merit Badge to the first heterosexual scout leader who tells his troop 'Gay is OK.'" (in re: Boys Scouts of America v. Dale)