Tuesday, October 30, 2001
last day in edinburgh
Paula's still asleep.
I should do a recap of The Trip and What I've Learned, in true introspective blog-diarist form, but I'll save it for later. For now I'll just say that again I might be out of email contact, at least until I start work on Monday. Or perhaps later, if they evacuate the building for anthrax or something. Who knows. I hope I at least get to get on the payroll first.
Friday, October 26, 2001
(more from my travel journal)
Second-hand and antiquarian book fair, good stuff.
The room is full of older, stuffy men and women who all ignore me because I obviously cannot afford anything they're selling here. I bet they're wondering why I'm even at the fair. Especially with this stupid notebook. Writing for some university review, probably.
There are great maps here.
In fact, this whole place is full of covetable things -- books of maps, on canvas, folded. An old, unpaginated, illustrated Rime of the Ancient Mariner. Old atlases, gorgeous 17th century illustrations. God!
I blame Andy for this new-found almost-hobby.
Thursday, October 25, 2001
realization, upon reading other people's blogs
The day I get back to the States happens to be Halloween. So far, I know of no parties. I am thankful for that, because I have no costume ideas. I will probably spend the night jet-lagged and sleepy, anyways, and just crash willingly into bed.
sore throat
As the header says. Ugh. Probably got it during that cold rainy day in the Scottish Highlands. Grr. The annoying part is that there's a teeny, irrational voice in my head saying "hope it's not anthrax." I know it isn't. Stupid voice.
my parents
In response to my excited email about the Supreme Court granting cert on my judge's case: "Thank you for telling us about Judge Gilman's case. Hope that what you are hoping for will happen." Translation: "We have no idea what you just said, but we wish you the best anyway."
Monday, October 22, 2001
anthrax scares
So the anthrax scare in the US means that instead of mailing to my friends, in nice enveloped form, my change of physical address stuff as I usually do (when I have time), I will be doing it by postcard. (Except for the one I'm mailing to Steve, who *specifically requested* "your old planty paper", a bunch of months ago. I haven't forgotten.)
busted
So Paula got back from the US yesterday, and so she, David, and I are hanging out in the living room, just chatting. And we get on the topic of hair. And then Paula says to me, "So how high maintenance is your hair nowadays, anyway?"
Ur. Uh. Lots. Kinda.
Sunday, October 21, 2001
two lives
This whole law school thing was meant to integrate my life -- consolidating my desire for justice and my love of analysis into one single area of work. It's a good thing for me, this lawyer thing. Because, in the end, I'm not so good at making overarching broad-brush recommendations -- what you'd need to do to be a real policy person, even a science or environmental policy person -- and what I *am* good at is taking small, discrete problems, and tackling them in depth. Which is how the environmental litigation I'll be doing is structured. So that is good for me, this is a good fit.
But I find that I still feel divided. Maybe less divided than before (at least the activist and academic parts of myself seem more integrated), but still somewhat divided. I miss creative stuff, I still like creative stuff. I envy people like Dan and his music software job, and people like Wes who can do managey things in the context of his own music projects.
Sometimes I hate being a compulsive generalist.
And I can't figure out how to integrate these parts of myself -- the analytical part and the creative part. I honestly don't think there's a way for me, personally. The fiction I like tends to be more surreal, and fairly apolitical (or, if political, only very indirectly so). Same with the music. And what I write tends to be similar.
No consolidation.
So fuckit, I really do think I'll just have to grow both parts, separately. I need to get back to work on my book, and not get totally distracted by all the interesting legal questions there are in the world. I'm almost ready for this vacation to be over. And that, I think, means that this vacation was good. Because a good vacation, in my mind, is one that makes you feel like you don't need a vacation anymore.
Saturday, October 20, 2001
spree
I have lost all self-control at the Waterstone's in Glasgow. I know, Waterstone's is a big UK chain, and I generally try not to buy stuff at chains, but it had such a huge selection of stuff that I hadn't seen or heard of that, well. One of them is out of print in the States anyway.
So here's my list:
- Junk Mail, Will Self (out of print in the US)
- Death and the Penguin, Andrey Kurkov (not yet quite published in the US, or maybe just barely)
- The Melancholy of Resistance, Laszlo Krasznahorkai (published in the US, but Andrew the Waterstone's guy recommended it, and he seemed to have great recommendations)
- 253, Geoff Ryman (supposedly in print in the US, but I'd never seen it before)
- Exploits & Opinions of Doctor Faustroll, Pataphysician : A Neo-Scientific Novel, Alfred Jarry (in print in the US, but I'd never seen it before -- recommended by Andrew, plus I'd been meaning to read this)
- Too Loud a Solitude, Bohumil Hrabal (in print in the US, but I'd never seen it before -- recommended by Andrew)
Friday, October 19, 2001
oh yeah
Books to anticipate -- this new one by Will Self called Feeding Frenzy. Sadly, the book (and his associated book tour) will come out after I leave the country. So I hope he tours the states.
better
All coffeeed up. Went to a Waterstone's (which was much better than the ones in Edinburgh), got a few book recommendations off the stuff on the shelves, ate at The Ubiquitous Chip (a lovely restaurant in the West End), and sloooowly browsed through the Glasgow Museum of Modern Art. I'm now feeling much happier, thanks.
in glasgow
I am premenstrual, I think. All I feel is cold, and lonely. And I know it's all chemical, because I know that it's that time of the month. But it sucks, nevertheless.
Making it worse is that I saw Intimacy last night, a movie based on a collection of short stories by Hanif Kureishi. The theme: loneliness.
But there are certain good things about this feeling, this feeling of emptiness and need for interaction. I am feeling achy pangs for all sorts of things -- for writing, for communication, for interaction -- things I need to get back to eventually. This is good. I will be ready by the end of the month. Ready to go back to that city that has grown, in my mind, to represent all the awfulness that has happened to me in my life.
Wednesday, October 17, 2001
in dundee
Going to Glasgow tomorrow. People do drink whisky here, in wee bits that add up to quite a lot. St. Andrews is pretty. Being separated by an ocean is good, because otherwise, I would be volunteering for all sorts of work I shouldn't do, because I need a break, for sanity.
Over and out.
Tuesday, October 16, 2001
an ocean away
Water, and distance, separates me from both the anthrax scares of my home country, and from the "terror wars" of Afghanistan. It is weird, hearing about everything from remote, and being a few time zones off everyone.
Hearing about anthrax is especially weird, just because one of the papers I worked on with Andy was about bioterrorism and stuff. If this were last year, I would be completely unafraid of anthrax, in the same way that I was completely unafraid of flying, right after the World Trade Center stuff. But now I'll be working in a Big Government Office (though one of the smaller side buildings), so it feels as if my risk is higher, somehow. Still, I'm not too worried. Because what are the chances, right?
Instead, I will try to enjoy this vacation, my first long vacation in many years, and the last long vacation I'll have for many years to come. Today, I go to Holyrood Palace, and then David (my friend Paula's husband) drives us to Dundee, where his mother lives. We will have dinner, sleep, and then poke about Dundee. Then David will drop me off at Glasgow on Wednesday night, where I'll stay for a few days, again to poke around. It should be nice, and relaxing. Then I'll bus back to Edinburgh on Saturday, so that I can see Paula when she gets back from the United States on Sunday.
Friday, October 12, 2001
updates
The bulk of my personal travel journaling, I think, will be done on paper, in a little pastel-blue notebook I got in Japan. It is just easier that way. No good for you, I know. But hey. Just wanted to let you know. I'll transcribe stuff when I get the chance. Or if any thoughts occur to me while I'm at a computer.
The main things -- Edinburgh Castle is a *castle*, wow! And castles are really castle-ey! And once you've broken the tourist barrier -- there's no going back. You will be riding the whisky barrel rides and listening to the audio guided tours. Oh yes. It has happened to me.
Thursday, October 11, 2001
in edinburgh
Whoo. There's internet access. More later. Jet lag.
Wednesday, October 10, 2001
random stuff
Leaving to Edinburgh tomorrow. Who knows what email access will be like. Might be good, might be bad.
A reminder to myself -- don't drop the ball on this small business idea of Andy's. The right people are in. It should be good. We just need to keep it going.
Monday, October 08, 2001
congratulations
Congrats to Jack and Katie. ;)
Saturday, October 06, 2001
spinning my wheels
People like Martha Nussbaum make me feel like I am spinning my wheels. Some people do so many things, and seem to do them reasonably well. Not saying I agree with her or anything, just that I admire her breadth. I feel so fucking slow.
By the time this vacation is over, I will be raring to go.
insomnia
sometimes i wish i took pictures, because if i took pictures i could make my page all pretty, like so many people's pages are pretty. but i always forget there are such things as pictures. i only remember the words. half the time, when i walk around and see things, all i remember are the words. i sometimes blame my self-centeredness, because the words match my insides, while the pictures, the pictures are only the outside.
my three favorite not-too-assuming bars
* Toad, Cambridge, MA
* The Lexington Club, San Francisco, CA
* The Saloon, Washington, DC
Friday, October 05, 2001
retractions
Just when I was all excited about changing my appearance, I go walking in Harvard Square and a law school classmate recognizes me. Fortunately, she wasn't someone I minded recognizing me. Still.
Two other things I should retract:
* when I mocked sticky tabs, I was totally wrong. I love them now.
* when I mocked salad spinners, I was wrong. Not as totally wrong as when I mocked sticky tabs, but still kinda wrong. They can be useful.
god i hate suvs
EPA: Fuel Economy Hits 20-Yr. Low.
oh, the apartment
I keep mentioning it, but haven't described it. Here's a description, cut-and-pasted from my email to Ilana, with parts redacted.
----
It's at --- and ---. --- blocks away from the Mt. Vernon Square metro.
It's $[relative low figure], and it's **huge**. And funkily structured. There's a giant first floor (like a monstrous room that's a living room and a dining room combined), with a beautiful bay window (and the windows are very tall), a fairly large kitchen, and this weird two-and-a-half-floor space that stretches up the whole back wall of the apartment (it's hard to describe). The living room has a huge fireplace. The kitchen has a gas stove and a dishwasher, and the windows there are huge too. There's a washer/dryer near the kitchen, and coat closet on the first floor.
Then there's this weird mid-level floor that's basically another whole den / living room. Then there's the 2nd floor, with two bedrooms. One is gigantic (which I'm sure [Ilana] would like) and has a way cool high ceiling that slopes up, plus giant windows, and the other is smaller (which is fine with me) with no windows but does have a skylight (which would be great for me to wake up and stuff.) Each of the bedrooms has a big closet and its own bathroom. One of the bathrooms overlooks that weird two-and-a-half-floor vertical space I mentioned earlier.
----
It's huge, like I said, and fairly cool. It's a mildly sketchy area (though not a problem for Ilana and me), but I am, sadly, a bringer of gentrification.
All my friends (and you know who you are when I say friends) have to visit.
changing
Part of the reason I change appearances, I think, is that I like being able to hide, even from people I know. I like being the one who gets to take the affirmative act of greeting, the one who makes the choice about whether an interaction will or will not occur. If I don't look the same as when you last saw me, you can't see me, see? I discovered this ability in college, when I found out that simply by wearing a dress, I made myself invisible to 80% of MIT students. It was amazing. I wanted to do this again and again. Be able to hide, I mean.
Another part of the reason, I think, is to remind (me, you, everyone) that I am not my outside.
out there
Somewhere, just around the corner, is the next big thing. It's obvious, and huge, and we just keep missing it somehow. "We" meaning the people searching for that big thing. I'm one of those people, too, even though I while away my time doing medium things, even though I hope I'm not so trapped in my medium things such that I can't grab onto the big thing when it comes along. But even though I've got my medium things, I understand the people who wait, the people who are still waiting for the really big thing. Because, god, wouldn't it be neat just to touch it? Be a part of it? Take hold of it? Be it?
Yeah.
Tuesday, October 02, 2001
forgot to say
It's not a real trip to DC unless I run into Ken. Ran into Ken on Saturday, the day before I left town, in the Pentagon City mall. He didn't recognize me. Whew.
Monday, October 01, 2001
a late realization
So you've read my story about missing the Modest Mouse concert, I guess. Anyway, I just realized what it means. It means that I have to take back everything I've said about completely being unable to meet cool strangers in DC. I guess you can meet cool strangers in DC, strangers into fun things like indie music and pomo books. You just have to go to the right places. I've just been going to the wrong ones so far. Here's to checking out DC when I'm not in law school, yay.
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