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Whoa. Something happened just now. Actually, I'm not sure "happen" is the right word for it, because the word implies something external event, or at least some kind of trigger. There's nothing of the sort here.
It's just that, all of the sudden, something in me started beating again. No, really, just now. Like seconds before I started typing this, which is why I started typing it in the first place, just to mark its onset, just to capture it in text. Sorry about the veiledness. Those of you who know, know.
Actually, pieces of it has been happening in the last year or so. Like in March of last year, a major step happened. And this year has been better as well.
It's like I'm regaining, um, emotions.1 Like the numbness that's possessed me for the last few years is finally going away. I am actually feeling the thrill of nervous anticipation again, not that I have anything to nervously anticipate. But the feeling is good.
I don't think there's a reason for it occuring now, if you use reason in the sense of an external triggering event. It just happened. A matter of time, I guess. Sure, I wish it happened earlier, maybe at times when I could've used those emotions. But at least it's happening now.
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1. Murakami, incredibly, captures this so much better than I do, even though I don't imagine it's happened to him, but this is partly why I really want to talk about his latest book to someone who's also read it. Okay, he doesn't capture it so much as implies its possibility. Hard to explain. You'll have to read the book.